life I guess.

We who could laugh at the big things, were parted by only a small thing.

I hope that we did the right thing. That's life I guess. I love your dress.

Someone posted that as a comment on my blog a long time ago. I wonder why? (honestly, I wonder why.)

But ugh. Life I guess is a big fat mess. Emotions run amok. And I only seem to post when the emotions are at their extremes. (the lower end, of course.) That's my gift to the world I guess. Venting.

I would do anything, absolutely anything in the world for the boy. And those of you who are on the inside know that I mean that. I have never loved like this, and I can't imagine ever loving anyone else like this. I wouldn't want to. I swear to it, Je s'aimere tout ma vie.

But the one thing I found that I won't do for the boy is lower my personal standards. And he crossed the line. He said something to me that was so cruel, so personal, that it hit me in a place I've never felt pain. And I'm pretty thick-skinned. I really had to stop and think - literally stop life for a couple of days and figure this shit out. People don't say those things unless they mean it. Or unless they are trying to intentionally hurt you. And people who I love (and people who love me) just don't say those things to me. EVER.

But also, people fuck up. Things come out of their mouths before they even realized they came out. And people are proud. (especially the boy) People don't like to admit their mistakes or backtrack... until they realize just how much they've fucked up. And people learn, right? I want so badly to think so. But I can't settle for someone who thinks it's ok to take advantage of my vulnerability. And I know that's not the case with him... but at the same time he said it. It's out there. And I don't know how to trust that something like that would never happen again. Part of knowing that someone loves you is never hurting that person intentionally, even though you know you have that power - even though someone has entrusted you with that power.

Who knows what it's worth? What's at stake here? And just how much does he love me in return? What can he do, if anything, to make it right?
I told him I need to move on because I don't know how to move past this. And so, we're finished. God. Just like that.

I am fucking dying inside... this has been the longest day of my life. I am so torn about this decision. I love him. He has added so much to my life, he's been such a gift and shown me so much about love, life, family, values, and persistence... I admire him so much and am so proud of him and I don't want to live my life without him. I want to love him and support him and stand next to him as his friend and partner. But I don't want to enable him. And I don't know if I made the right choice because that was the first (and only) time he has ever said anything like that. Couldn't I have made myself clear without asking him to leave?

I can't even call anyone because I can't produce words with my mouth right now. Talking to my dad this afternoon about his upcoming trip to Denver (What kinds of things do you want to do? Should I start doing some online research? I think I'll fly in on Friday, stop by your classroom that day, and stay for the weekend... fly out Monday morning does that sound good?) good fucking lord, that was about all I could take. I'm glad he had a lot to say because I couldn't even scrape up anything audible except 'we could go grocery shopping.'

I'm glad he didn't ask.

I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep for months but I can't even get my body to fall asleep. Cooking is the only other thing I ever find therapeutic and I don't have any food to cook and I don't have any money to buy food and I don't know if I could eat even if I did cook. And the liquor stores are closed on Sundays so getting drunk is not an option. If anyone has a gun, please send it my way? Thanks.