not booted yet.

So that appointment almost 2 weeks ago was a waste of time and a waste of a "sick" day. I won't go into details, but I'm in the midst of an insurance nightmare. Colorado laws suck, and if I ever get injured in a car accident again, I'm going to lie and say I fell of the roof while cleaning out gutters.

Anyways. I have another appointment this Tuesday and they *said* that they can take the follow up x-ray and give me the care I'm supposed to have, so we'll see.

I'm nervous that I might need physical therapy. My legs are now completely assymetrical, and my right side is feeling pretty weak too. Without the boot walking is slow, labored, and a little painful. I can't wait to get into a swimming pool again. Not to mention that I haven't exercised in almost 7 weeks and I'm feeling not only fluffy but also unhealthy, sluggish, and ... (well, I can't think of any derogatory comments to make about myself but we'll just say that I'm feeling altogether disgusting).

Ugh.



And the boy. Boys drive me completely crazy. (well, this one does.) I look at him and our relationship and what he's told me about his past and the way I see him interact with his friends - always talking about misbehaving - and I just wonder. I wonder how completely devoted to me he actually is. And I know that he hasn't done anything to compromise my trust (at least I think I know this) ... but I also know what a flirt he is and how defensive he gets when I ask him about certain things and I just wonder. I wonder if he has that mentality of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" or the whole "I have her complete trust and now I can abuse it" sort of thing. And I don't know if this is confidence issues kicking in or true conscience... or if I'm even making sense. He's been talking about marriage, the future, and things like that a lot lately. Questions about whether I'm the right woman for him, and talk about plans for the future and where I fit in and the conviction that someday he will marry me... And I guess it's made me start to question how much I actually do trust him, his lifestyle, his charisma and our compatability and whether our relationship really is invincible. Well, is any relationship invincible? (I should think not.) I know he loves me, and I know he enjoys being with me. But I also know his cultural mentality... something engrained in him from birth. I know what he's told me about the way his father treated his mother and I know that often the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. And I wonder if this really is something I can be in forever. Forever is a big word. I know that no matter what I will love him forever and remember him forever - there are certain people who leave a mark on your soul and Cito is definitely one of those people. He has taught me so much about life and loyalty and love and so many other things. But he has also shown me some things that I can't explain - some tendencies. I wonder what "forever" looks like to him and I wonder if our ideals and our values truly do match. And I don't want to commit myself to something that I will continuously question and wonder about. (Does that make sense?) I do know that the bottom line is people don't change, and things don't change. I also know that people learn from their mistakes and they learn from their relationships - but he looks at his 'behavior' in relation to the person he used to be. and I look at his 'behavior' in relation to my personal standards, my ideals. I look at flirting as harmless (hell, I do it too!) to a point. But when I flirt, I keep in mind what I would do/say if Cito was watching. I always respect his role in my life and his feelings. I wonder if he does the same. I wonder if he leads people on to give himself a confidence boost - to see just how far a woman is willing to go for him... and if offered the chance, would he take it. I know for a fact, without question, that I would not. It grosses me out to even think of another man in that way. Yes, I notice when somebody is hot and yes, I am attracted to other men. But NO, I do not take their phone numbers and NO, I do not lead them on and I just wonder... does he? And even if not now, I wonder about later in life. Life gets hard. Relationships evolve, and they go through cycles. I wonder - would he cross a line? And if I'm wondering these things now, what does it mean? Is it simply fear? (Or is it something else.. confidence? conscience? trust issues? clairvoyance?) And should I have these sort of questions about the person I am spending my time with, and thinking about spending my life with? I've never had these questions about a relationship before, but I've also never felt this way about someone before. I've never been at that point where I'm willing to give everything - and I don't want to say my very being, but that's what it feels like and it's hard to explain but I guess it's the feeling of being ready to completely let someone in - and I wonder... is it normal to think this way? or should I be alarmed? I'm so fucking confused.

ok, i'll stop rambling... but can anyone offer a little wisdom here?